Purple Shocks

honeymoon in Laguna Beach, CAI wanted to believe it wouldn’t matter that I hadn’t turned out special, perfect
He’d remember us and love me anyway (again, still) –
But we were both so different,
28 years ago we were still young and fresh.
I remember his arms feeling big and strong around me and loving as they caressed, so softly all the rolling curves of my body.
He would hop and skip as we walked almost as if in a state of delight.
Arm over my shoulder – me just a little shy of tucking comfortably under his arm pit.
Very often we would pull each other close and turn slightly in to kiss and hug –
hardly able to stand the space between us.
We floated up steep inclines at Laguna Beach for the few days that we stayed there
The adrenaline of love flowing so freely that no effort caused any struggle.
Our honeymoon, I’d recall it later as.
Eating at wonderful restaurants
Starring into each other’s faces
Yakking and yakking about everything, nothing under the sun.

Here he was again knocking on my door –
So to speak –
Asking me if he could come in again –
No knowing for how long –
Telling me all about his life and Kay, now Kate he called her
And all their children together.
Life had gone on –
They all continued to know him –
To have him –
I had had to let go.
I hadn’t wanted to.
But I guess all things work out as they should –
It seems.
It can seem altogether too hard then suddenly make perfect sense and all the pain melt into an explanation of why it had to have been as it was.

Purple shocks
He mocked them
Purple socks
They were my purple socks, but they went with his new, slightly purple slacks and he was trying to become more attuned to fashion
And be adventurous
Be free to be

purple shocks, purple socksI hemmed his new pants as we talked, and yakked in the room at the Surf and Sand Motel
The waves relentlessly rushing in amid our sentences

Laguna Beach, CA, Surf and Sand MotelGoing to dinner, we were getting dressed up so we would feel the essence of our specialness
Wearing our new things, hemming our new things, together, for each other.
Learning to temper infatuation with reality, trying to fathom the possibility of this new passion lasting,
Becoming,
Staying…

Going to dinner, we were getting dressed up so we would feel the essence of our specialnessIt would take 14 years for me to get on with anything like a semblance of life

Fourteen years of trying to find myself without him.
We would only manage to fight for 3 or 4 years and then drag the thread of our narrative  out to span the time of 6 or 7 years thereafter.
First it would be 6 weeks.
Then 2 months.
A year would go by,
A call in the night.
The familiar gruffness of his voice would lure me into his spell for another year to pass again with just a night together in between…
Then 2 years..
Then 3…
Then I lost track
of when he came again.

Because I had met a new man,
a tall, dark, curly-haired devil.
I am still trying to find the essence of me without thinking it would be better with him now.
But in between this new man and another 15 years
The gruff voice called me and wondered if we could spend a day or two together.

And then there he was at my door. I saw him as he got out of his rented car.
I said to myself, “oh no, that is not him”. And wondered if I could get through 2 days.

It can seem altogether too hard then suddenly make perfect sense and all the pain melt into an explanation of why it had to have been as it was.

I had been in love with the life, the style of life, the solitude we had living in a trailer at the top of the hill at his motorcycle park.
I loved sweeping the floors while he ran the tractor and I could look out the window to see his dog following him up the steep hill chasing a rabbit while he took the moguls out of the dirt or put them in.
I loved the sound of the train in the distance and the plans I would make in my head of a vegetable garden.
And the sound of the rain tapping the tin roof and of us making love,
And his soft blue eyes
Looking at me as if I was a princess.

a princessWe spent 2 days and I think he had as much trouble getting through it as I did.
Then we said goodbye.
It was a very sad goodby. It was goodbye to a dream. I think it was sadder for me. He had never really felt the same way about it as I had.
It was gone. It was finally over.

Now I just found a picture of the newer man in among the things that I was trying to organize, get rid of or put in their proper places.
I put it in a plastic cover and hung it with a paper clip over the label holder of my file cabinet.
It is staring at me regularly now so I can turn and look at it and dream of a new
vegetable garden.
I have known him now for 15 years and it has been the same. A few wonderful moments between long hours and years.
I guess that is the way I am.

I have 2 dogs and no children. I have 2 cats and 5 canaries. They all keep me pretty happy.
I get dressed up now to go to the grocery store. I take them in the car with me because they want to go.
Just the dogs.
I wish it were different.
I wish I were in love and he loved me too.
I wish I had a man who made me feel like I was a princess just because he was so happy to be with me and that he would put up with my little things.
Like how much I love purple. Like that I still have those purple shocks
Like how I analyze everything and want to talk and the dogs sleep on the bed
And my hair is gray when not a bottle blonde.
Love is blind. Holding hands the electricity creates a static that keeps us together.
Now comes the call I can hear his smile and we talk and talk about nothing and everything.
He is writing a story about Sardichi the Coyote.
And he wants to know if I think he should just call it Sardichi or Sardichi the Coyote.
I said “Sardichi” and I look forward to hearing his smile on the phone.
More so than any other smile.
He’s my favorite voice, next to Debbie.
Maybe even more than Debbie now. I think he will be more favorite than Debbie if he finally comes and stays
And helps me plant the vegetable garden.
No disrespect to you Debbie.

I guess it is about time to meet a new man.
Maybe if the old new man with the nice phone smile would come to see me I could finally say, “Oh no, that is not him”, and I would realize again that
It can seem altogether too hard then suddenly make perfect sense and all the pain melt into an explanation of why it had to have been as it was.

It is important to keep the dream.
The vegetable garden
Purple shocks
Tin roofs
Rain
Making Love
Hugs and Kisses
A nice phone smile.

Come to me again you curly-haired devil
And bring Sardichi the Coyote
But this time, plan to spend a little while.
I’m through with running..how about you?
Come sing to me like a chick monk when we speed the recorder up.
I’ll sweep the floors while you run the tractor
This time it will be because I love you and not just the dream.
15 years and counting.
Don’t make me look for a new man. As if. As if I could.
It may seem altogether too hard then suddenly make perfect sense.

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A Thing Called Love

Garden Perfection

image courtesy: Better Homes and Gardens. Click picture for link

It’s not a picket fence, but it’s white and it looks like the perfect garden of her mind’s eye. Images she has deep in her psyche of the ideals set forward in her youth of what it is to be successful and happy. Especially the woman watering by hand. The slow life. The life well lived. Time to smell the roses, so to speak.

In her last post, Canning and Freezing, she posted another image:

Permaculture GardenThis one is of a small dwelling in the midst of what appears to be a permaculture type of gardening style. Ms. SpoolTeacher is trying to accomplish this; and even with a limited property, this is possible.

Little Red-Haired Girl helping

Living in a desert poses some obstacles that are trying at best. She’s trying her best to create what she calls “micro-climates”. In other words, ways of cooling the air so evaporation doesn’t exact its harsh torture any more than she has to let it. She is letting indigenous trees sprout and grow  and only removes them when it is clear they will have a negative rather than positive effect. They grow like weeds, offer plenty of leaves as they are deciduous. They don’t release themselves from the ground without a fight and that is why they are so worthwhile if they don’t overtake the strategy she has in mind. They grow without any attention at all and need no additional water. They grow straight up and in stands if you let them. A lot of her neighbors abhor them. She has grown fond of them.weed trees

But there is nothing that is as rewarding in gardening then that something you do makes someone or something else happier than they were.

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“Thanks Mom for making me a dirt pillow and a cool place to lay.” Sweet Little Old Red-Haired Girl deserves to have everything exactly the way it makes her happy. She is a senior and we want no regrets.

Happy Little Red-Haired Girl

The birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees….

birds,bees,flowers trees

And a thing called Love.

 

Canning and Freezing

Canning and Freezing

Oh in about 2002, Ms. SpoolTeacher decided that she had had enough of juggling finances to stay on top of the can of worms she had opened for herself. A childhood friend had come to visit her and talked and talked and talked to her about a piece of land he had in Northern California and how much he loved it there. He shared with her his dream of putting a Quonset hut on it to live in. He got out his hunting/sporting magazines and showed her what they were and how he intended to use one.

If you remember, Ms. SpoolTeacher had made most of her life long earnings doing “Design” work helping clients furnish, decorate, remodel their homes. This whole idea of designing a living arrangement from scratch with a metal can (so to speak), to say the least, intrigued her. Before long she was chomping at the bit.

They decided they would try to develop the land together. He had the land, she had a little capital.

The Beverly Hillbillies

Sight unseen, she packed her truck like The Beverly Hillbillies and off they went. Literally, there was a chair hanging off the back of her truck.

She had two dogs, two cats and a two room tent. Jack (not his real name) drove the truck, she drove the little car. Cats and dogs all over. None of them happy. All of them on medication to make them groggy. They drove and drove and drove.

And drove, and drove and drove.

In the middle of the night, Jack delivered her to a little travel trailer at a friend’s house and she and the critters collapsed in cuddles.

The next morning when she looked out the trailer window to see a forest of trees, she panicked, “WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!” All of a sudden her pioneer spirit escaped her and she felt dread and fear. She felt homeless.

Of course, it didn’t last long.

Before long, they were at Home Depot getting wire fencing to make a yard for the puppies. The kitties were imprisoned in the tent (for as long as the zipper on the flap lasted). As it turned out, kitties don’t like to scale wire fencing and Peter Rabbit just sat inside the fence with the dogs looking at him sullenly, until the dogs made their magic get-away hole. Annie lodged herself in the mesh on the ceiling of the tent and managed her magic of never being seen again, (until they quit and went back to Southern CA).

But by the time they were ready to quit the project, the Quonset Hut was being delivered.

She packed it in a U-haul and brought it back down to Southern CA with the four critters on drugs again.

tractor trailer

And a few months later she packed it in a tractor trailer, with all of her other worldly treasures, and brought it and the four critters, the car and truck,  to AZ to try a different adventure near her sissy.

She has had it now for 11 years and has moved it, finally, never having been set up, to her current property and it lays there in pieces waiting for the perfect opportunity to “Design” a living arrangement whereby she will be able to see that original imagination come to fruition.

She’s always thought they look space-aged and awesome sitting out in a field with the sun streaming off of them, gleaming. The ones she visited before she purchased hers were usually for barns or vehicle storage and weren’t insulated so were either scorching hot, or freezing cold.

All she cares about is that she may have a little piece of land, her “tin-can home” and a swath of land to permaculture garden with critters to collapse in cuddles with at the end of a hard days work. Freezing or scorching, she’ll find a way to survive. As long as she can plant and think and feel like she is free.

Tin Can Home

Tin Can Home

Tin Can Home near Taos New Mexico http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tin_can_wall

Canning and Freezing

 

 

This is what hers looks like, but it is only 30X30X14H, skylights, end walls with garage door size openings.

She’s got a home now and is happy. But someday, she’d like to just erect this thing to see what she can do. It helps her get up every day, having a thing to look forward to.

What’s your crazy dream?

 

Permaculture Garden